


who are we (without you)?

by LetsGoBeTheGoodGuys



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode: s13e21 Beat the Devil, Episode: s13e22 Exodus, episode coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-28 23:09:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21400162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetsGoBeTheGoodGuys/pseuds/LetsGoBeTheGoodGuys
Summary: “He’s gone. We can’t save him.”A look at what Cas lost when Sam died in "Beat the Devil"
Relationships: Castiel & Sam Winchester
Comments: 25
Kudos: 95





	who are we (without you)?

“He’s gone.”Cas said, his hands shaking against Dean’s jacket as he shoved him away - stopping him from following his natural instinct to chase after his little brother. 

Cas refused to look away from his friend even as Dean’s eyes filled with horror and grief. “We can’t save him,” Cas said, his heart shattering inside his chest under the the weight of his statement. Finally, he couldn’t look at Dean anymore, allowing his gaze to drop to the ground.

They had lost Sam. Nothing could compare with that. Cas’ own past words were echoing dully in his mind, haunting him. _“Nothing is worth losing you.”_

As they continued toward Dayton, the air felt thicker, heavier. The silence was deafening to Cas. There was nothing to distract him from the memory of Sam screaming his brother’s name before he was dragged into the darkness - alone. 

Maggie was the first to break the silence. “About your friend,” she said to Dean, “I’m so s-…” The apology died on her lips when Dean looked at her, his face set in hard, angry lines, his eyes empty. He was almost unrecognizable to Cas. Cas had seen Dean angry before, of course. And he had seen Dean grieving many times. But this kind of unbearable, hopeless, dry agony was unique from any other kind of suffering Cas had seen Dean experience. This was Dean without Sam.

Cas caught up to Maggie and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. This wasn’t her fault - it wasn’t fair for her to feel guilty. Cas tried hard to shake off his own impulse of guilt. Could he have saved Sam if he had moved faster? He looked at the back of Dean’s head as he marched on ahead of them. Cas had pushed him away. Did Dean understand? Did he know there was nothing more they could have done? Cas would have died to save Sam. In a heartbeat. He would have given anything. Did Dean know that?

When they reached Dayton, Dean broke away from Cas to be with Mary. Of course. He would need comfort from his family right now. Dean wouldn’t be receptive to Cas in this state. And Cas had no right to look for reassurance from Dean. Not when Dean had just lost his brother.

So Cas sought out his own family. _Jack. _Relief immediately flooded through Cas when he saw his son. Jack smiled and raced into Cas’ open arms. Cas rested his chin in Jack’s hair, soaking up the comfort he had been craving since they had lost Sam. But the moment of comfort was fleeting. Cas had a responsibility. He had to tell Jack what had happened to Sam. Cas knew he needed to be strong for Jack. So he explained what happened and forced his knees not to buckle when he said for a second time that day, “He’s gone.”

Watching Jack’s face fall was almost more than Cas could handle.

“No, he can’t be dead,” Jack said, pacing away from Cas.

“Jack,” Cas placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “I-”

Jack shoved Cas’ hand away. “Couldn’t you bring him back?” Jack demanded, eyes hard as he looked at Cas. Jack’s words stung. Cas fought back a wave of tears.

“If we could’ve, we would’ve,” Cas managed to say, his chin trembling slightly. Didn’t Jack know that? Did _Dean_ know that Cas would do anything to bring Sam back to them? Yes, for Dean. And for Jack. But also for himself.

Were they unaware that Cas had also lost someone important to him? Sam was his friend. Sam had always asked Cas if he was okay. Sam laughed with him, and comforted Cas with his solid presence and gentle reassurances.

Cas had lost so much when they had lost Sam. Did anyone know that?

The feeling that washed over Cas a few moments later when Sam appeared - somehow alive again - was unlike anything he had ever felt. His own feelings were echoed through’s Jack voice as the boy said Sam’s name, his tone reverent.

So many things happened so quickly after that. There was Lucifer. Then Lucifer talking to Jack. And there was the issue of finding a way to get so many people through the rift before it closed. Cas didn’t have a chance to stop moving - barely even a chance to breathe - until they made it back home. Back to the bunker.

After the initial commotion and celebration of escaping Apocalypse World, Sam and Dean, along with Mary, set about showing people around the bunker and finding rooms for them for the night. Cas took the opportunity to head outside for some fresh air. He stepped out into the cool night and inhaled deeply. He leaned back against the outside wall of the bunker, the chill of it seeping through his trench coat.

His mind was still in turmoil. But there was a certain peace wrapping itself around him despite the uncertainty of the future. They were all here. Together. That was enough for him.

Cas started when he heard the bunker door open. He turned to see Sam approaching him.

“Hey, Cas,” Sam said. “You okay?”

Cas smiled. Sam had been back for a little while now, but Cas’ heart still twisted with relief to see him. “I’m alright, Sam.”

Sam leaned back next to Cas with a sigh. “Crazy couple of days, huh?”

“I would call that an understatement,” Cas replied dryly.

Sam huffed. “Yeah.”

Cas allowed himself to rest in silence for a few moments, taking comfort from Sam’s steady presence next to him. 

The guilt he hadn't quite been able to shake was nagging at Cas in the quiet so he finally turned to Sam and said, “Sam, about before - in Apocalypse World, with the vampire nest. I’m - I’m so sorry. I thought you were gone. I thought-”

“Hey,” Sam interrupted Cas’ rambling gently, angling his body to face Cas. “That’s not your fault, Cas. I _was_ gone. There was nothing anyone could have done.”

Cas felt overwhelmed by Sam’s soft voice. This was exactly the reassurance he had needed when Sam had died. And in some crazy twist of fate, here was Sam himself giving Cas that reassurance.

“I’m really glad you got Dean out of there,” Sam said.

Cas tilted his head, “What do you mean?”

Sam smiled shallowly. “You didn’t have to tell me,” he said. “I know what Dean must have been like.” 

Cas nodded. He shuddered a little as the memory of Dean’s pained expression filled his mind from the moment Cas had said those terrible words._ “He’s gone.”_

“Thank you, Cas,” Sam said. “I’m sorry you had to do that. But I’m also glad it was you. I don’t know if there’s anybody else Dean would have trusted enough to stop him. To keep him from…” 

Sam had trailed off, but Cas knew exactly what he meant. To keep Dean from getting himself killed in a desperate rescue attempt when it was already too late. 

Cas swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. Sam had been through so much - had literally died - and yet he had found Cas just now to ask him if he was okay. Cas was overcome with the weight of what he had almost lost forever. He hadn’t stopped to wonder what he would become after Sam had died or where he would fit alongside Dean and Jack. It was nearly unbearable to consider who he was without Sam.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Sam,” Cas said. He hoped his words were enough to express to Sam all that he was feeling.

Sam’s eyes were shining a little as he reached a hand out and patted Cas’ neck in response. He turned to rest his back against the wall again. He was looking up, the light of the stars reflecting in his eyes as Cas looked at him. “Me too, buddy,” he said finally.


End file.
